CLASSIFIED/CONFIDENTIAL

PROPERTY OF USRA DEPARTMENT OF FOREIGN AFFAIRS
DO NOT DISTRIBUTE WITHOUT EXPLICIT AUTHORISATION OF USRA DOFA
UNAUTHORISED DISTRIBUTION WILL LEAD TO OUTSIDE THE LAW PERSECUTION

TYPE OF INTEL: SOURCE INTERVIEW
SOURCE RELIABILITY: VERY HIGH (CLOSE AID OR EQUIVALENT, TRUSTED SOURCE)
INTEL CREDIBILITY: HIGH

TAGS: PINIMA, FOREIGN POLICY
SUBJECT: DETAILS OF PINIMA PRESIDENT'S LIFE-STYLE

SUMMARY: PINIMA PRESIDENT MAINTAINS SEVERAL SECRET AND REGULAR RELATIONSHIPS WITH MISTRESSES ABROAD COSTING MILLIONS OF DOLLARS

1. THE PINNISH PRESIDENT MAINTAINS SECRET RELATIONSHIPS WITH FOUR WOMEN SPREAD OVER SEVERAL COUNTRIES, INCLUDING USRA.

2.WOMAN “OFFERED” TO THE PINNISH PRESIDENT BY USRA IS THE MAIN UNDERCOVER AGENT WHO REPORTS INTEL ON PINIMA.

3. THE WOMEN ARE GENERALLY “GIFTS” FROM GOVTS IN EXCHANGE OF “SERVICES RENDERED” (E.G. THE PINNISH PRESIDENT ALLOWED MAJOR CORPORATIONS TO EXPLOIT PINIMA'S NATURAL RESOURCES WITH LITTLE RED TAPE AND NO TAXES AND, IN THE CASE OF THE USRA, ALSO INTERVENED IN THE MANAGEMENT OF LOCAL PR AND LEGAL CASES IN PINIMA AFTER THE BÔKÂAL NUCLEAR ACCIDENT CAUSED BY THE OPERATIONS OF A USRA CORPORATION THAT KILLED THOUSANDS OF PINNS), AND WERE THE RESULT OF THE WISH OF THE PINNISH PRESIDENT IN EXCHANGE FOR ABOVE-MENTIONED SERVICES.

4. THE PINNISH PRESIDENT SEEMS TO DEDICATE ALL HIS FOREIGN AFFAIRS MINISTRY TO THE MANAGEMENT OF HIS MISTRESSES' RENDEZ-VOUS WITH HIMSELF AND THE ASSURANCE OF THEIR WELL-BEING. THE USRA UNDERCOVER AGENT REPORTS EXPENSES IN EXCESS OF 100.000 $ PER MONTH.

5. IN ORDER TO BE ABLE TO VISIT HIS MISTRESSES INCOGNITO, THE PINNISH PRESIDENT'S MINISTRY OF FOREIGN AFFAIRS EMPLOYS A DOUBLE WHO POSES AT HIS PRESIDENTIAL “OPEN OFFICE”, WHERE THE PRESIDENT ADMITS SPENDING SEVERAL DAYS ON A ROW THINKING ABOUT HIS PEOPLE'S WELL-BEING.

6. THE PRESIDENT HAS MANAGED TO SPREAD HIS MISTRESSES OVER SEVERAL TIME ZONES (GMT FOR THE BLONDE, GMT+6 FOR THE BRUNETTE, GMT+12 FOR THE BLACK, GMT+18 FOR THE RED-HAIRED) COVERING THE 24 HOURS, WHICH ALLOWS HIM TO MAKE “FOREIGN AFFAIRS MARATHONS” AS HE CALLS THEM SPENDING SEVERAL HOURS WITH EACH MISTRESS BEFORE MOVING TO THE NEXT USING HIS SUPERSONIC PRIVATE JET (THIS IS THE SAME JET THE PRESIDENT USES TO SCARE PINIMA INHABITANTS BY BREAKING THE SOUND BARRIER AT LOW ALTITUDE AND THEN PRETENDING THESE ARE ALIEN SHIPS VISITING AND THREATENING PINIMA). THE LONGEST SUCH MARATHON REPORTED BY THE SOURCE LASTED ONE WEEK AND TOOK PLACE DURING THE “PRESIDENTIAL SACRIFICE FOR PINIMA WEEK” DURING WHICH THE PINNISH PRESIDENT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE RETIRING FOR MEDITATION IN PINIMA'S BIGGEST AND OLDEST MONASTERY. AFTER SUCH AN EXTENSIVE WEEK THE PRESIDENT USUALLY PROUDLY DISPLAYS HIS EXHAUSTION ON TV, PUTTING IT ON THE ACCOUNT OF THE INTENSITY OF HIS MEDITATIONS.

7. SOURCE SAYS THE PINNISH PRESIDENT OFTEN PLAYS A GAME WITH HIS MISTRESSES CONSISTING OF RANDOMLY PICKING-UP PAPER-CLIPS WITH WORDS ON THEM AND WRITING SPEECHES BASED ON THE RESULTING RANDOM PHRASES. THE SPEECHES THEN BECOME THE NEXT SPEECHES OF THE PINNISH PRESIDENT, WHICH LATER MAKES HIM AND HIS MISTRESSES LOUGH AT THE SERIOUSNESS WITH WHICH THE PINNISH MEDIA AND PEOPLE TREAT THE SPEECHES.

CONCLUSION
THE PINNISH PRESIDENT'S LIFESTYLE MAKES HIM AN EASY TO KEEP ALLY OF THE USRA IN THE REGION, HIS BASIC MOTIVATIONS BEING MONEY AND AN INSATIABLE SEXUAL APPETITE, WHILE OUR UNDERCOVER AGENT POSING AS ONE OF HIS MISTRESSES ALLOWS US TO WATCH HIM CLOSELY IN CASE HIS DEDICATION TO OUR FOREIGN POLICY PRIORITIES WITHERS. THE BLATANT HUMAN RIGHTS VIOLATIONS OF THE PINNISH PRESIDENT HAVE OF COURSE A NEGATIVE IMPACT ON US, HOWEVER OUR BEST PROPAGANDISTS AND PR SPECIALISTS WILL BE SOON PUT AT HIS DISPOSAL TO ALLOW HIM TO BETTER MANAGE THIS CRITICAL ASPECT OF OUR GOOD WORKING AND MUTUAL INTEREST RELATIONSHIP. OUR OFFICIAL LINE REMAINS TO PRETEND SUPPORTING THE PINNISH PRESIDENT FOR LACK OF A BETTER ALTERNATIVE, WHILE KEEPING POTENTIAL OPPOSITION FIGURES UNDER CONTROL (BOTH WITHIN PINIMA THROUGH OUR LOCAL BUREAU AND ABROAD).